The Last Boy Scout - A Conversation

His reticence to answer the question was the only answer she needed.  It spoke volumes.  Perhaps it really had not been her business, but he could have given her something.  He could've said "three months ago".  He could've said "last month" or even "last night", though in truth, the latter would have been unacceptable.  She probed further.  A wall, he firmly resolved to say nothing.  Finally, after a long, deafening silence, he shrugged and snapped, "Look, I'm no Boy Scout..."

She fell.  Inwardly.  Although she, for a certainty, had long been a card-carrying, cookie-selling member of the Girl Scouts, for sure - she had not expected a Boy Scout.  Nor had she expected his irritance.  She had simply wanted an answer, preferably one that began with the words "before I met you, baby".  But he had not said that.  Nor anything even remotely similar to that.  A mere "nunya" and sarcasm was all that he offered up.  His words stung, though just a little.  She had thought the question appropriate.  She was rusty in her relationship skills, no doubt, but hadn't this been standard conversation?  She wondered if he was hiding something.  She wondered what the real answer to her question was, and whether it would have been accompanied by a story if given.  Or worse - an explanation.  She sighed.  She had been nosey, and he had been right - it was his story. Thus, not her business.  She smiled, remembering his pretty eyes and cute smile.  No, she would not lose sleep over this.  She would, however, keep a watchful eye on her Thin Mints and Samoas.

"Revelation Nowwww......" (Do You Think That You Can Front When Revelation Comes?)

I used to be a very indecisive person.  When it came to "Decision-Making 101" - EPIC FAIL!  I sucked. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. For the record, I am talking about big decisions, not inconsequential ones like what to wear or what to have for dinner.  I'm speaking about big, life-altering decisions.  I sucked.

Part of the reason for this was the inability to shut out the "voices".  No, not voices in my head, but the voices of others.  I come from a small, tight knit family who is very close and has a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. no problem vocalizing opinions.  And always ready with the "Chicki Tee, don't do this" and "Chicki Tee, you shouldn't do that!  You need to..."  There was no shortage of unsolicited advice in my household.  Trust.  It came quick, fast, and in a hurry.  It was always rooted in love, no doubt, but it was very discouraging and detrimental to growth.  No blame-placing, but what it did was cause me to doubt and second-guess everything I did or said.  But eventually being weak-minded became exhausting.  I realized that I had become a punk.  Children need to be spoon fed guidance 24/7, not adults.  Recalling the words of Janet "Miss Jackson If You're Nasty" Jackson: "When I was 17, I did what people told me.  Did what my father said and let my mother mold me. But that was long ago, I'm in control...." - I realized I had come to resent opinions being imposed on me. And what is more, I resented that Miss Jackson was still a teenager whilst claiming her independence - I was going on 25!  And I accepted full responsibility.  People only do to you what you allow to be done.  Unless you are a wooden boy with a huge schnozzle, you control your own thoughts and actions. I had grown tired of my Gepetto(s).  Let me be clear: My family weren't bullies - I was just a punk. Point blank period. (Sidebar: hate that phrase)

I wish I could define the moment I had this grand epiphany, but there really wasn't one.  There was no aha moment.  I guess I just woke up.  And grew up.  I make my own decisions and whether good, bad, or ugly - I claim every one of them!   My family loves me and they only want the best for me.  But the thing is, no one really knows what is really and truly best for a person except that person.  "You may think you know, but you have no idea."  SO FALL BACK.


I pray over my decisions now.  Yeah, I know you're thinking "Yo, how is that any different?  You're still asking someone else to make the decision for you, right?"  Well, it's not really the same thing.  I'm the kind of person who was raised to look before I leap.  But sometimes (shhh!) -  I don't want to look first.  I just want to leap!  And those are the decisions I usually have to pray about.  The ones where the result is going to be either a soft landing or.... a SPLAT!!!  No in-betweens.  I think I'm facing a decision like that right now in my life.  I'm at a crossroads. ("Bum bum bum bummm...")  I encountered this very situation 10 years ago and was actually good with the (heavily family-influenced) decision that I made.  Today, facing this same situation 10 years later and being a fully grown woman, I'm less inclined to look for or listen to opinions.  In fact, I'm just straight not accepting them.  I know what my needs are and I know how I want them fulfilled.  Point blank period. (there it is again).  I come from a family of "we told you so"ers from waaaaay back.  Someone once said "the greater the risk, the greater the reward."  I'm not sure if that is true or not but.....no worries.  If it's false, I'm pretty sure I know some people who will have no problem pointing out the fallacy of that thinking. After the fact.

I've mentioned before that I'm not really a big shopper.  And that's not bank account-dependant either - I just don't really like to shop.  More specifically, I can't stand malls.  I find no joy in aimlessly wandering the mall, traipsing from store to store, bags in tow, all the while dodging wild, horny teenagers.  That was fun for me maybe when I was a wild horny teenager, but not so much today.  Not a mall person at all.  And yet that is the very place where I will find myself on this very night (or should I say tomorrow) when the mall doors open at midnight for BLACK FRIDAY 2011.  Or as I like to call it: The.Annual.Running.Of.The.Bulls.

Yo, for real, Black Friday is like the Olympics of Shopping.  People have been training saving all year long just to shop on this one day.  What in the world?  True story: I was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of my bed on my very first Black Friday some years ago by a couple of friends.  Outside of Black Friday media coverage, I had no idea what to expect.  In the cold at 3 am, the only thing I could focus on was how cold and tired I was.  And evidently I'd missed the inaudible "on your mark...get set...get ready" because ALL OF THE SUDDEN - chaos broke out!  People were running, and pushing, and shoving, and screaming, and shoving, and pushing, and running....  It was sheer madness!  And I was hooked!  The hilarity of it all was unreal, yet oddly addictive.  Three stores and several purchases later, I was back at home by 9 am. And as I surveyed my booty loot, I understood why people got so caught up with Black Friday.  It's not about the shopping - it's about the experience.  There's a reason why Mrs. Shawn Carter named her concert "The Beyonce EXPERIENCE".  Because it's not just a concert - it's like nothing you've ever seen before!  A stellar performance by the ultimate performer (at least such is the claim).  Black Friday is not just about the so-called 'deals' on sometimes sketchy and often "re-manufactured" merchandise - it's also as much about the crowds, the camraderie, the competition, the pushing, the screaming, the shoving, the pushing, the pushing....All the elements that should rightfully take away from this event somehow actually work really well together.  Go figure?!?!?

Although I have only 1 item to purchase on my list (Nikon camera), I will be doing the requisite 'holy trinity' of Black Friday stores: Walmart, Target and Best Buy.  Just for kicks and giggles.  I'm definitely not, however, looking forward to the "midnight madness at the mall" part but I did promise a friend so,....it is what it is.  Anyway - Running.With.The.Bulls.2011.  Will let you know how it went!



* What's on your Black Friday list???

"And the award for the best male/female ACTOR goes to".....

They say that FACEBOOK is the #1 relationship killer.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  I have seen many a person throw away a relationship with the person that they are w/ to be with a person that they have never met.  Online.  On FACEBOOK.  A person that they have "fallen in love with"...on FACEBOOK.  Online.  Wow.  That's serious.  That is sad.   

We are taught from a young age not to "talk to strangers" and to not believe everything we see or more fittingly, read.  And yet Facebook continues to be the #1 relationship destroyer.  Really?  Anyone can type up a profile about who they claim they are, how "real" they are, what they do for a living, how "large" they are living, etc etc.  Someone once said "Welcome to Facebook - where you can be anyone you want!"  You are 500 pds. w/ 3 teeth in your mouth and you want to look like Halle Berry? CUT AND PASTE.  CLICK, UPLOAD...DONE!  You have $3 in your bank account but you want to be an online baller?  Type...type...DONE!  You have only 1 friend in real life, yet 1,000 on Facebook.  Madame (Social) Butterfly!  And my personal favorite:  The ones who are constantly updating their profiles to show all in FANTASY-land FACEBOOK-land just how witty and intelligent they are by spouting clever colloquiums & other pearls of sage-like wisdom but come off sounding like the Damon Wayans "educated-convict" character from "In Living Color".  And the endless barrage of wannabe MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERS on Facebook is mildly nauseating.  As are the "I-keep-it-REAL"'ers.  In Fantasy-land Facebook-land, that could almost be classified as an oxymoron.

The truth of the matter is this:  There IS no truth on Facebook.  The name should be changed to FAKEbook.  Anyone with half a brain knows that Facebook, as well as many social networking sites, are all about the FANTASY.  And yet, Facebook continues to be the #1 relationship destroyer.  To the person that will inevitably argue that "if the relationship was solid it the first place".....yada yada yawn.  Ask any divorce lawyer worth his salt and he will tell you that the only way to protect your relationship from dying a painful Facebook-induced death is to step.away.from.the.Facebook.  Apparently there are no relationships solid enough to withstand the lure of this social phenomenon that is Facebook.

And back to our regularly scheduled soapbox rant: So people are exiting relationships with people that they know & (used to) love to be in relationships with people that they think they know.  No judgement from this corner, but a word of caution: There is always somone who is a better writer and a better actor.  Let's hope that new relationship can withstand Facebook as well.

Don't get it twisted - I have a Facebook page.  I'm not knocking Facebook it itself, I'm knocking how people use it.  Just be careful.  Be smart.  Be safe.  "I'm just sayin...."

These Boots Are Made For (moon) Walking

Note: These photos do not do the boots justice - they are fab.


Ok, so I'm not so much of a shopper, although you can find me in a Walmart or Tarjay on any given day.  My job is very stressful and the hours are long, so once I get off, I'm usually headed straight home and ready to hit the sack.  Well, one day last week, I stopped into Kohl's on my way home from work.  Disclaimer: I typically do not like Kohl's.  Better stated, I HATE Kohl's and I NEVER shop there.  But I'd been looking online for boots (because Fall is here and boot season is back - "It's the most wonderful time of the year"...) and happened across a pair of Vera Wang boots that I fell in love with.  Regularly priced at $110, they were on sale for $59.99.  So on my way home from work the next night, I dragged myself into the store, found my size (SHOCKER!) and even on my tired, end-of-the-day-feet, they fit like Cinderella's glass slipper!  I was so happy with my purchase I think I danced all the way to the cash register.  Seriously.  I Michael Jackson-moonwalked to the line, though really, that had nothing to do with the boots.  I'm just weird like that.



Note: These photos do not do the boots justice - they are fab.


 
And get this: 3 days later, my best friend was in town from Charlotte for one of our good friend's wedding.  En route to Macy's to find something to wear to the next day's festivities, we stopped at Ross's (or Ross Dress For Less - whatever it's called.) to take a quick look at shoes when BAMMM!!!! (Emeril-style)  I spied a pair of brown suede lace-up ankle boots by - wait for it.... DOLCE VITA!!!!  (And NOT Dolce Vita for Target. Just straight up Dolce Vita) And after almost peeing on myself when reading the $29.99 price tag, my friend and I ransacked that store looking for my size.  I ending up not finding the size I usually wear, but a half size smaller.  Yet once again - they fit like Cinderella's slipper: PERFECT!!!  So happy to find not only a pair of DOLCE VITA boots but in a smaller size - proof that my new diet & exercise regimen are working....woohoo!  I am so in love and proud of my purchases that I feel I must recant the first line of this blog:

"Hi, my name is Chicki Tee and I AM  a SHOPPER!"

Hey, if my job is going to work me like a Hebrew slave, I should, at the very least, see the fruits of my labor.

"Be True To Yourself" TAG

Okay, so I've never felt the need to do a tag before as I always found them to be slightly juvenile - they always reminded me of those SLAM BOOKS from back in the day (remember the notebooks that were passed around in school where you'd answer different questions w/ your name next to it?)  Well, I've been home sick for the past 2 days and as cabin fever was setting in, I came across this particular tag and thought "why not?"  And while I felt mad juvenile filling out my answers, I have to admit it was kinda fun.  Why not huh.  So here goes:

How big is your bed? Queen (though I call it a "california queen" as it is huge!)

What are you listening to right now? Amy Winehouse "Frank", mixed jazz cd, Obd Voice ( a BRILLIANT singer/songwriter that can be found on reverbnation.com)

What was the last thing you ate? Jerk tilapia, spinach salad, pineapple, fried festival (made this for dinner last night)

Last person you hugged? My sister

How is the weather right now? hot

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? friend in Atlanta

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes/Height

Favourite type of food? Caribbean

Do you want children? No - that ship has sailed

Do you drink? Very very occasionally as alcohol puts me to sleep

Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night? NEVER

Hair colour? Black

Eye colour? Brown

Do you wear contacts/glasses? Should be wearing my glasses daily but wear them only occasionally

Favorite holiday? NA

Favorite season? HANDS DOWN - FALL!!! The beautiful foliage, the crisp air, the clothes, esp. BOOTS....love everything about fall!

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? Yep.  Once. (I cried over a MAN who TURNED OUT TO BE A BOY!)  Don't judge me - it shan't happen again.

Last movie you watched? Some Lifetime movie. Hey I'm home sick - don't judge me.  :)

What books are you reading? The Bible, The Millionaire Zone

Piercings? Ears

Favorite movie? HANDS DOWN - Jaws. (Runners up: Jaws II, Purple Rain, Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy & Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham - Indian movie) 

Favorite college football team? Don't follow the sport but favorite pro team is the Eagles - solely due to Vick!

What were you doing before filling this out? Home sick in bed. Literally.

Any pets? I've NEVER in my life had a pet (unless you count the Beta fish that I had @ work.  I accidentally killed him during a routine water change - the water was too warm and he 'overheated'. Seriously. Sorry lil' buddy.  :(

Dogs or cats? Fish

Favorite flower? Tulips (any  color) and White or Yellow Roses

Have you ever loved someone? Yes

Who would you like to see right now? A doctor

Have you ever fired a gun? Nope

Do you like to travel by plane? Ehhh...long story.

Right-handed or Left-handed? Right. 

If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Trinidad, Morocco, Portugal (stateside: D.C., New York, Florida)

Are you missing someone? A.B.S.O.L.U.T.E.L.Y.

Do you have a tattoo? Nope

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Uh,....NO!  I watch them on Monday nights like every other normal ADULT - can you say "Family Guy"? Hello?

Are you hiding something from someone? Hmmm....

What do you do before you go to bed? Pray

*******  The end.  Question: How do you feel about tag's? Innocent fun or colossal time wasters?

Nature Boy (this thing we call LOVE)

I'm going to share a secret with you: I am afraid to fall in love.  I grew up in the most dysfunctional of households (as most of America, I know) and I've seen nothing but chaos and heartache stemming from this thing we call LOVE.  I decided early on that I did not want to follow the pattern of being stuck-like-chuck in a toxic relationship.  Vowing never to become a victim or casualty of this thing we call LOVE, I built an impenetrable wall around my heart - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, right?  Self-preservation at its finest.  Now, I have fallen in love a time or two (or one) before, but that was a looooong time ago.  It didn't end badly, but it wasn't pretty either.  But I learned from that relationship that the decision to NOT PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR is one of the best decisions you can ever make in life.  I walked away from that relationship knowing that I would not become like many of the women in my family - bitter and sad from the bad behavior of the men in their lives.  I walked away with my head held high and proud of myself.

But don't get me wrong - I like the idea of love.  And I think I even might want to fall in love again. Again.  But I want love on my terms.  Yeah that's right - I said MY terms.  But I don't think love quite works like that, does it?  You can't control your heart.  And when the head (mind) and heart are at odds, it's often the heart, that treacherous heart, that wins out.  And THAT's when everything falls to pieces!!!  You start making excuses and putting up with just any kind of treatment (read cheating, abuse, etc.) because even though your head is saying "run, chica, run" - your heart is saying "stay, chica, stay. he loves you. he'll change. he'll stop."  But the truth of the matter is - he won't change.  He won't stop.  And by the time you've made the decision to put up with his mess no longer, you've now just realized that you have become a mere shell of the person you once were and sadly...you aren't going anywhere cause you haven't the strength or the backbone to do so.

**shudders**  Nawww!  No thanks, son.  This thing we call love is not for me.  And while I believe wholeheartedly that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".........until I can "be loved in return" the way I want to be loved, on MY terms - I'ma have to pass.

Well, She DID say NO, NO, NO.....

They called her Ms. Winehouse. They'll call her no more.  Amy Winehouse - dead at 27.  Of course, we don't really know the cause of death @ this point, as her body was just found today, but really?  Do we even have to ask? I mean - really?  

I first heard of Amy Winehouse some years ago, back when her "Frank" album was out in England, and she hadn't really hit it here in the States yet.  I'd read about this "Jewish girl with the big soulful voice" that was going to be the next big thing and dismissed her as "another white girl trying to sound black."  When I'd finally heard her "Frank" cd online - I.WAS.BLOWN.AWAY.!!!!   As in, all caps, in bold, italicized, and underlined!  Omg, this skinny little white chick with the big hair and the even bigger voice sounded so authentically soulful...authentically black. (I mean, have you even heard "Love Is A Losing Game" live???)  No "trying to" here.  I was an instant fan!  I repped Ms. Winehouse so hard to any and everyone I came in contact with you would've thought  she had me on her payroll!  E.v.e.r.y. song Ms. Winehouse had was ridiculous: "You Know I'm No Good" - Ridiculous.  "Love Is A Losing Game" - Ridiculous. "Stronger Than Me" - Ridiculous. "Me And Mr. Jones" - Ridiculous.  "In My Bed" - Bananas and the beat was sick!!!!

And finally...there is the now-infamous "REHAB", for which will be forever known as Ms. Winehouse's swan song.  Such a hugely talented artist - gone.  Ms. Winehouse - you came, you sang, you conquered.

But you should have gone to rehab.  What a waste.

"You Stay Classy San Diego."

I had a conversation with a friend today.  He's a businessman who's very much "on his grind", always about the dollar.  I respect that, that's who he is.  Anway, he was talking about the big things that he is doing in his business, and I was talking about the steps that I am taking towards establishing mine.  This conversation took place over the phone so while I couldn't see his face, I could hear in his voice the expressions of disbelief and indifference he was obviously making.  He made it very clear that he doesn't believe that I've any business acumen whatsoever and I probably shouldn't "quit my day job." Said that my "business" was not only going to FAIL but it would never get off the ground.  He said I was basically wasting my time because I've never been a business owner, I'm "not a leader", I'm a person "ruled by fears", and.....yada yada yawn.  When someone tells you that they think you're whack, the natural inclination is to respond in kind. ("You're MAMA's  whack!  How 'bout that???" - you know how we do.)  But the thing is, this guy is not whack. He's a businessman.  He's a leader.  And he's on the fast track to success.  But He's.Also.Wrong.  As in dead wrong.

Here's the thing: when you know where your passion lies and know the things that you're capable of doing, you don't need to advertise that jank to the world.  You just need to do them.  Town crier not necessary.

And you don't need to prove that you're EXTRAORDINARY to ANYONE - friend or foe.  You just need to prove it to yourself.

"I FAILED my way towards SUCCESS" - Thomas Edison

Sometimes we don't shoot for the stars.  Sometimes we don't aim for them because we feel that the stars are too high up and therefore out of reach, and sometimes it's because subconsciously, we don't feel like we have the right of owning something so beautiful and rare.  And sometimes plain ol' fear keeps us from putting ourselves anywhere in the vicinity of them.  And just like that....we settle into mediocrity and become (yikes!)...satisfied with it.


We fear, thus we fail, right? w.r.o.n.g.  Failure is not about having fears - the real failure is not trying to succeed because of fearing failure.  The real failure is not embracing your fear and using it as fuel. Confused yet?   It's simple really.  I'm trying to start a business.  It's normal to have anxiety over any new venture attempted.  A few of the usual suspects:  What if my idea doesn't work?  What if my skills aren't strong enough?  What if I don't make any money?  What if I lose money(that I don't really have) trying to make money?  What if I FAIL???  That, my friends, is what we call fear.  To fear is normal. But what we really should be asking ourselves is: "If my idea does not work, how can I fine tune it so it will?  How can I further develop my skills so that they are stronger?  I probably will not make alot of money initially, so do I have other resources available so I can further grow this business? And if this venture does fail, how do I ensure that I will keep trying until it succeeds?"  That is using your fear as fuel towards success. Having a plan. And a backup plan.  A plan A, plan B, or as many plans needed (even if it goes all the way to Z) until the desired result is achieved. And working that/those plans until it/they work.


I'm gonna be honest with you, people.  I want a star.  I really do.  Maybe not all of the stars, but at least as many as my hand can grab.  As many as my hand can carry, even if that's only one.  Let me say this also: I am short.  Without my usual 5-inch superhero platform heels (but I always leave the cape at home), I stand 5 foot 1 in stocking feet.  Even with a full stretch, I cannot reach the sky on my own strength.  But I do know how to use the resources available to me - I know how to find and use a ladder.  I'll say it again:  I.want.my.star.  I deserve my star.  So if I have to climb to the highest rung of that ladder, despite being afraid of heights, to reach it - that's just what I'll have to do.  And should I lose my balance and fall off....oh well.  I'll fall.  I"ll fall down and I might fall hard. It might be painful and I might even cry.  But guess what?  My star will still be up there...in the sky... with my name on it. Waiting for me.  So I'll get up, wipe my tears and find a sturdier ladder to hold me. I'm.getting.my.star.

SHOW ME THE MONEY

"You got to know when to hold 'em....know when to fold 'em....know when to walk away...and know when to run"....

Cause I always.count.my.money. I had such a good day yesterday.  I should have known that mess wouldn't have lasted.  Not to sound negative, but you always have to consider the source.  Yesterday I finally received the professional recognition and validation that I'd been waiting for for about 6 months now - a promotion of sorts.  Go me, right???  W.R.O.N.G.  After spending last night pouring over plans of where "all this extra money" will be going (savings, moving, business plans, and dare I say a fabulous pair of "knock-off" Louboutins?) - I go in to work today and they make me an offer....that I can refuse.  An absolutely downright INSULTING offer!  I mean, I am literally insulted!  I have been working like a slave and jumping through all kinds of hoops for this place, hoping to show that I am more than capable and qualified to earn a spot at the cubicle of mediocrity....only for them to offer me pretty much nothing.   And I am pretty much disturbed.  Like Kenny Rogers sang of the "The Gambler" - "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run."

Sadly, if we cannot come to a mutual fiscal agreement,  I may have to walk run.

S.M.U.G.

HTC Droid phone - $500

Bottle of OPI "Metro Chic" nail polish - $8

Getting a phone call from an old love while halfheartedly listening to him regretfully enumerate his past mistakes and confess he still has feelings for you while doing your nails and thinking "you.should.have.said.that.jank.last.year...too.late.boo..." - PRICELESS!!!!

Bonus points: Realizing that your heart no longer does backflips at the sound of his voice - PROGRESS.

There once was a girl named PUNK....

It's Monday.  It's a new week.  Let's get it started.  It's not too late.  It's never too late to accomplish a goal. ("Maybe finish that novel you been working on, eh Brian? You know, the one one, uh, you've beeen working on for 3 years?" - Stewie Griffin)  All it takes is one.step.at.a.time. One step.  "Every journey begins with one step"....yada yada yawn.  Enough with the quotes.  Enough with the 'mantras'. Stop being a punk and get in the game already.

Where My Girls At????

Every person should know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.  And I'm not talking about the Facebook definition either, where any and everyone can be considered a friend, as long as your physical appearance appeals to them.  I'm talking about a REAL friend, someone you are intimately acquainted with.  Someone who knows you well, your likes & dislikes,  your personality and how you'll act or react in certain situations, and will laugh with you, cry with you, rejoice with you, and even fight with you when necessary. Prov. 18:24 says, in part, "There exists a friend sticking closer than a brother."  I know that to be true.  Like most, I have many acquaintances.  But I have a small intimate group of close friends that I will always have by my side and that I will always want by my side. 2 of them were by my side yesterday when I really needed them.  I've had a lot on my mind lately and I'm a person who has the tendency to isolate myself when trying to work out problems.  So anyway, we were all together yesterday and I was trying to fake like all was well with me.  These chicas disregarded my "I'm just tired that's all!" excuses, pulled me aside and talked to me, laughed with me, cried with me, and got real with me until I felt better. (Side note: Both of these ladies are Registered Nurses and one is a Pysch (mental health) Nurse, though never once did I feel like I was being "analyzed")  And after rounding out the afternoon with lunch and shopping,  I felt so much better.  Though my problems were still there, it felt good to release my emotions and talk them out. FREE THERAPY - woo hoo!!!!  We all have problems, some BIG, some small.  But sometimes all that's needed for recovery is your girlfriends, some BUFFALO WILD WINGS, and a box of Kleenax! 

From the bottom of my heart - I love all my chicas but special shout-out to LISA J. and ANGIE W.  You ladies really helped a sister out yesterday. :-)

Am I losing my MOJO??? Nah.

I lost an EBAY auction!!!!  I have never lost an auction in the almost 8 years that I've been on Ebay so I'm kinda pissed.  True, I can just go to any other shoe site online to purchase these very shoes, but the whole thing for me w/ EBAY is the thrill of the auction.  I'm a guerilla bidder from waaay back (giving away all my secrets) and the whole bidding, getting outbid, and bidding again is an adrenaline rush like you wouldn't believe.  It's the little things.....

Anyway, look @ what I lost out on:

So mad right now.  Must not cry....must not cry....

Everyday I'm Hustling...

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.  I can't worry about YESTERDAY- what I did yesterday, what I didn't do yesterday - cause YESTERDAY is already gone. Past tense. Today.  I am hustling hard today, working smarter AND harder TODAY so that my TOMORROW will be well worth today's tears, sweat and pain.

I am starting a new business venture.  I am trying something new. And for the first time in a while, I'm stepping out on faith and I'm not even scared.  I'm excited.  Just plain excited. Do you have a dream that you are too afraid to go for or fulfill?  If you have any sort of dream, NOW is the time to wake up and make it happen.  I believe Mariah Carey sang it best back in the day: "If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want, you're gonna make it happen....make it happen."

I'm going for it.

He's Just Not That Into You...

We've all seen the situation before: Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. Girl thinks boy is amazing.  Boy thinks girl is...... alright. Just alright. But definitely not amazing.  If the universal law of attraction holds true that "like attracts like" - why would one want to be with an "amazing" person who holds them in less regard? You think HE's amazing, he thinks YOU"RE....ehhh!  ????  Really boo?  That's what you want?  Look, I'm going to tell you something and this might hurt a little bit, but it has to be said:

"He's.Just.Not.That.Into.You."

There. I said it.  There's a reason why they made a movie with that title.  Because it's true.  Believe it. And move on. If you think you're amazing, find someone else who agrees with you. Cause this one does not.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Chip Away - to withdraw or remove gradually

Attack - to start work upon with  purpose and vigor; to take aggressive action against a person (or thing), to undertake a problem or task vigorously

Is there a difference between the two or is it just semantics?  Well, let's illustrate:  We're all familiar with the weight loss program Weight Watchers, right? Weight Watchers is a program that teaches one to eat sensibly, plan meals, count points, yada yada yawn in order to achieve a realistic weight goal. Ok? Ok. NOW,.......ever seen or heard of the tv show "The Biggest Loser"?  This is a program that trains 'contestants' to achieve weight loss by following a low calorie diet & participating in grueling 4-6 hour daily boot camp-type workouts, no matter how outrageous. Two hours of weight training, 2 hours on the treadmill and eliptical machine, and another 2 hours of, say, kayaking in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, just for good measure.

So while both the Weight Watchers and The Biggest Loser programs promise results, the Weight Watchers participant says "I lost 10 pounds in 30 days!"  But the Biggest Loser participant says "Chick Please - I lost 30 pounds in 10 days!!!!"  Semantics you say?  I think not.

You can choose to CHIP AWAY at success, little by little.  You will get to your goal. Eventually.  But the problem with "eventually"  is that "eventually" may never come.  OR...you can choose to ATTACK success.  Go hard.  Hustle hard.  And JUST DO IT.  And success will come a lot quicker than "eventually".

* I can admit I've been "chipping"....what about you?  Do you chip or attack?

The Sideshow FREAK ("Step Right Up!")

Really?  Was an elephant meant to prance around in a tutu for a crowd of jeering children and adults in a daggone circus?  I mean REALLY?  An elephant, like the LION, the BEAR, and all other animals living "under the big-top" were not meant to live in cages and perform "tricks" for humans.  They were meant to live in the wild - in their natural habitat where they can BE an elephant....or a bear....or a lion.

Ever seen a circus lion jump through a flaming hoop? What tha???  Ever wonder how these APEX PREDATORS settle into domesticated bliss so....naturally?  It's due to the process that Ringling Bros. doesn't show you, where they're beating the crap out of the animal, starving him to near death and embarrassing the heck out of him by dressing him IN DRAG and making him coon for an audience.  The poor animal is so stressed and mentally exhausted that he almost forgets that he.is.an.elephant.  Let me be clear: this is not a "Save the Animals" article so you can stop the cheering, PETA. This is not for you.  This is for persons, not unlike myself, who dream of greatness but are dealing with mental stagnancy or too afraid to go after their dreams.  I was am a dreamer.  I was am an artist.  I punch a time-clock, sit behind a computer, and am verbally assaulted by unappreciative "customers" all day long.  And then come home, mentally and physically drained, dreading the next day where I repeat.the.process.all.over.again.  And wait for my "not even a sixteenth of what I'm worth" pittance on Friday.  Let me be clear: I am better than this.  I am better than the job that I have.  I am better than the life that I live.  I am a freaking AFRICAN LION.  I am no longer content jumping through flaming hoops to entertain the crowd.  I was built for abundance, but I have allowed myself to be programmed for poverty.  I am not a circus animal.  I am a freaking AFRICAN ELEPHANT.  I want better so I have to become better.  I want more.  Thus, I will no longer perform for peanuts.

Girl Interrupted....

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME - I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU".... but I didn't have a strong beat to step to.  Really.  I didn't.  But after a 3-month sabbatical (of sorts) - I am back!!!!  What's been going on with me, you ask?  A WHOLE LOT.....of nothing.  I think the last time we spoke I was trying to get adjusted to the new job while trying to adjust to the demise of a friendship.  While I shall speak of neither, I will say that I am not a person who processes stress well.  I have a tendency to withdraw and go inward, which is why I stopped "blogging".  I became sidetracked, lost focus, and that whole "Mission Upgrade" thing that I'd been working on suddenly became MISSION IMPOSSIBLE and I just couldn't seem to get it together.

But on a brighter note, as they say...A SETBACK is nothing but a SET-UP for a COMEBACK - and BABY I"M BACK!!!!  Back on track with being focused on achieving my goals ("I'm focused man!" - Jay Z) and this time, I'm not just going after them.  I'm going after them hard.  I'm sorry - meant to say HARRRDDD!!!!  A wise man once said "Don't talk about it - BE about it."  And that is exactly my plan. (I'll elaborate later)


* Random question:  Does anyone remember the singer Al B. Sure and his facial caterpillar  unibrow???

A friend brought him up in conversation today - just wondering...

LessThanAMan

I should have seen it coming, I should have freaking known
How could I let you play me, I don't even know
I should have seen it coming down, I guess I should have known
How could I let you play with me, I don't even know

I'm such a fool, I can't believe I let you in my life
You broke the rules but I should have known
You do it all the time

Thought we were cool but then again who am I kidding?
It's every player's favorite crime
To make you feel like it's all real
When it's a LIE and I should have known

I shoud have seen it coming, I should have freaking known
How could I let you play me, I don't even know
I should have seen it coming down, I guess I should have known
How could I let you play with me, I don't even know

I should have known, my family they never did pretend
My mama felt, she never liked you, neither did my friends
And when you blamed it all on me I should have known
That's what LIARS always try to do

It wasn't me, it was you
You're the fool and I should have known

I should have seen it coming, I should have freaking known
How could I let you play me, I don't even know
I should have seen it coming down, I guess I should have known
How could I let you play with me, I don't even know

If your heart was simple just like mine is
Then you would know just how it feels
When someone takes advantage of your kindness
You think you're never gonna heal

If your soul was deep just like mine is
Then you would know not to give up
Keep my faith even through the darkness
Yet I still believe in love, I still believe

                                         - Robyn (Should Have Known)

*** There is nothing like a BAD MAN to bring a woman back to her senses and snap her back to reality.  Ladies please - DO NOT throw your pearls to swine.  Or even worse - to TRASH!!!  It is so not worth it in the end.  When people show you who or what they are, it is definitely in your best interest to believe them.  Never let another person change who you are or you will end up not recognizing the person you have become.  When you first become aware that you are dealing with a BLACK-HEARTED individual, please use caution. (note I did not say "proceed" with caution)  Step away from the fire.  If you can see the flames or smell the smoke, you.are.too.close.  You will get burned.  Lesson learned.  Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.  I've already moved on.

My BEAUTIFUL sister

25 Things You Should Know About Me

1. I prefer television commercials to actual shows (my current fave is the AT&T taco party: "Hey...everyone's eating tacos outside of Bill's office. Don't you think that's some information I would like to know - I like tacos".....HILARIOUS!!!)
2. I used to be a ballerina (ok, well, I took ballet when I was young)
3. It takes me a long time to trust people
4. I get bored easily and often
5. My favorite place to visit is the Aquarium (but unfortunately I've never been there on a date)
6. I'm afraid of bridges
7. I'm afraid to fall in love for fear the person will not "handle with care" my heart
8. I want to fall in love with someone who thinks I am amazing
9. I often speak in foreign accents at random
10. I aspire to be a polyglot (I know basic greetings in French, Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Russian & Hindi)
11. I'm afraid of getting cancer
12. I've always wanted to be 5'6. Exactly.  And I am 5'6 exactly - until I take off my high-heels...and then I'm 5'1.
13. I hate that they always have Black people singing and dancing in McDonald's commercials.  I honestly have never seen any person of color in line @ McDonald's rapping their order. Really?
14. I don't get Twitter.
15. I don't like dares (I accept all challenges)
16. I've always wanted to have 1 son & 1 daughter.  I have neither.  Not even a pet.
17. I watch Shark Week on the Discovery Channel every year - never miss it
18. I don't own a bathrobe
19. I feel nondescript when I wear my hair blown-out and long. However, when I'm wearing a tank top, no makeup, and my hair big & in it's natural state, I feel freakin' BEAUTIFUL!!!!
20. I would marry Andy Samburg in.a.minute. if he asked me - nose and all
21. I think a funny guy trumps a hot guy anyday (but an honest guy trumps them both any.day.of.the.week.)
22. I don't know how to whistle
23. It's been years since someone has sent me flowers.....so sad.
24. I spend an awful lot of time in bookstores and Best Buy.
25. I'm dying to cater a Superbowl party for my boyfriend/husband (I have neither).

* Bonus:  I have a freakin' GORGEOUS sister (pic above)

Longest.Week.Ever.

This past week was the Longest.Week.Ever.  And I do mean EVER.  I started a new job last week(yaaaaaay me!) - full time, great company, good position, great benefits, great growth potential, etc. etc. All the standard stuff.  I'm working 9 hrs. a day, and I don't know if it's because I've been unemployed for a minute or not but the thing is - my days are sooo long.  I mean I feel like I'm working 20 hours a day!  I don't EVER remember 9 hrs. seeming so long!   Everyday last week felt like GROUNDHOG's DAY - seemed like I kept repeating the same day over and over again- the week just would not move!!!  My week seemed like this: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday-and-a-half.......And the job consists of me learning code after code after code after code so maybe that's why the days seemed so long but OMG IT WAS THE LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE!!!  But the job is cool so...

In other news, the rest of the week was pretty much uneventful.  I drank too few glasses of H2O and waaay too many cups of peppermint tea, I walked/jogged nearly everyday of the week, reconfigured my finances, bid adieu to a friendship ("I will miss you, young grasshopper"....what movie is that from?), apartment hunted online (putting the cart before the horse, i know), and contemplated my life in general.  Again.  And that was pretty much my week in a nutshell....

Great news!  This week I'm going shopping for some new workout clothes and I am f.i.n.a.l.l.y. getting my camera fixed (Welcome back, my old friend - it's been too long!) - I'll be able to post some real pictures (non-camera phone pics, sorry Droid).  Full body shots, etc., to fully document my weight loss progress as I.bring.my.sexy.back.  Awww yeaaah........

**in Wendy Williams' voice** ......How You Doing????  How was YOUR week???

Broken-Hearted Girl

I will never be the girl that is unaffected by hurtful words.  I will always be the girl to walk away from hurtful speech, but I will never be the girl unaffected by it.  I will never be the girl that believes a lie when I hear it.  I will always be the girl that wishes it to be true, but  I will always be the girl to recognize it for what it is.  I will never be the girl that does not hold a slight grudge when deeply wounded by a friend.  I will always be the girl that will try to fight for the friendship, but I will always be the girl to know when it's time to let go.  I will never be the girl that will admit to feelings of emptiness, but I will always be the girl who yearns for something more.  I will never be the girl who chooses to be molded by the hands of others, but I will always be the girl that will allow herself to be molded.  I will never be the girl that feels another has the right to check my hand, but I will always be the girl to show them what's in it.  I will never be the girl that will let you see me cry, but I will always be the girl who feels shame if I slip up and let you.  I will never be the girl that doesn't get her heart broken, but I will always be the girl feigning hard heartedness.

I will never be this girl.  Because i.am.that.chica.

And He Lived Happily Ever After. Maybe.

Everyone loves a happy ending. That is what I wish for Ted Williams, formerly known as HOMELESS GUY.  In the event you've been living under a rock and don't know who Ted Williams is, he's a homeless man who was panhandling on the streets of Ohio advertising his unique talent.  Said talent?  He has a golden voice.  A "you're listening to Magic97" golden voice.  A local reporter captured video footage of him and put it on Youtube and, as they say, the rest is history. Yet another obscure nobody catapulted to social media celebrity (see Antoine "hide your kids hide your wife" Dodson) via Youtube.  He's gotten offers the world over to do all kinds of voice-over work.  He's now done announcing for The Today Show, Dr. Phil Show, and the Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a house (homeless no more!) and a full time announcer job!  And the offers keep pouring in.  Talk about overnight success - wow.  But this man has lived a hard, sad life.  Addicted to crack, alcohol, and estranged from his 9 children for many years.....this man deserves a break.  He deserves not only a second chance, but a happy ending.  The whole world (well, maybe not the whole world) is watching w/ baited breathe to see if he gets it or relapses. Most people do not get the instant brush with fame/celebrity like Mr. Williams, but we do often get the chance to right the wrongs we've done.  Unfortunately, life does not come with do-overs so if you ever are given the opportunity of a second chance (for anything!) - take it.  Take that second chance and do something with it.  Make it count.  Create your happy ending.  Learn from past mistakes and try not to repeat them.  And should you inevitably do so, don't let it knock you out of the game.  It's one thing to get knocked down, it's another to stay down.  Personally, I'm rooting for Mr. Williams, the artist formerly known as Homeless Guy.  I hope he uses this opportunity to get clean, repair his relationships with his children, and find happiness.  Because I think everyone deserves a happy ending.

*sidebar: Happy to report that Mr. Williams is getting his grill fixed.  Perhaps now he'll look even more like his famous (my opinion) look-alike.

 

*If you got a second chance in life, what would you do differently?

JOKE OF THE DAY

What do you get when you wake up with a sore throat & slight cough but nonetheless proceed to go out in the 30 degree freezing rain for a few hours without turning the heat on in your car because you're cheap butt is trying to preserve the gas?

drumroll.........

Answer: THE FLU

5,4,....3,2....P90X is in the house!

You better watch your mouth.  Ok, I added something new to shake up my current routine.  As you can tell from the title and picture, I'm doing P90X ya'll.  And in case you didn't know, the P in the P90x workout stands for POWER,...as in P(ower)90X.  But after doing this thing that is P90x, I can think of more appropriate acronyms: 

P= PAINFUL (because you don't know PAIN until you've done a P90x workout. Seriously.  It's only been 3 days and I.want.to.die.  I've never experienced childbirth, but after 3 days of Tony Horton and crew, I think I would be okay.)

P= PERVERSE (as in, it takes a perverse individual to come up with the moves that P90x includes.  Tony Horton and crew are obviously all ex-NAVY SEALS or something....the average person cannot do more than 2 of the moves in that AB RIPPER dvd - I don't care if that one guy does have a prosthetic leg!!!

P= PUNK (because yes, let's be real: EVERY dvd in the P90x set exposes you to be a bonafide PUNK.  No if's and's or buts.  And really, if I could actually do all those Ninja-esque moves, would I even need P90x?  My advice to anyone attempting P90 is to GO IN KNOWING THAT YOU ARE A PUNK and cannot do most of these moves.  You WILL be exposed as such anyway.

P= There is another word that is basically synonymous with the above word that P90x will prove you to be...but I shan't say it here.  You figure it out.

P= PROFANITY (you will be cursing the whole time you're trying to do this $@^* workout.  No joke.  And if you're a Christian, as I am, be ready with the euphemisms.....)

But perhaps the most important acronym for the P in the P90x workout is this: PERSEVERE.  As in "to persist or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement."  That is what's needed for a P90X-type workout.  Be persistent.  Refuse to give up.  Go hard or go home!  Tony Horton - you are one seriously sick evil genius, but I will give you 90 days nonetheless.  3 down - 87 to go.  Bring it!!!

Gettin' It In in 2011

So I started a weight loss challenge in early December where the goal was to lose 10 pounds by the end of December.  I wish I could say I reached the goal but I didn't.  I lost 8 pounds.  Argghhh!  2 pounds away - that sucks!  So close...yet so far.  And almost does not count.  But I know where I went wrong - I didn't drink enough water.  Drinking anymore than 3-4 glasses of water is almost torture to me because I don't love water.  And putting a lemon in it only makes it worse to me.  But nonetheless, I won't be making that mistake again.  I'll be drinking water til the cows come home if it will get me to my goal quicker.  Anyway, January 2011 is here, so I'm going hard.  Started the year off right by getting out early this am and walking/running...I'm going to "get it right, get it tight."  Yay me.  Can't wait to see what 2011 brings.  Or I should say: I can't wait to see what I bring to 2011.  Awww yeah!  I'm ready.