Sunday, November 27, 2011

"Revelation Nowwww......" (Do You Think That You Can Front When Revelation Comes?)

I used to be a very indecisive person.  When it came to "Decision-Making 101" - EPIC FAIL!  I sucked. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. For the record, I am talking about big decisions, not inconsequential ones like what to wear or what to have for dinner.  I'm speaking about big, life-altering decisions.  I sucked.

Part of the reason for this was the inability to shut out the "voices".  No, not voices in my head, but the voices of others.  I come from a small, tight knit family who is very close and has a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. no problem vocalizing opinions.  And always ready with the "Chicki Tee, don't do this" and "Chicki Tee, you shouldn't do that!  You need to..."  There was no shortage of unsolicited advice in my household.  Trust.  It came quick, fast, and in a hurry.  It was always rooted in love, no doubt, but it was very discouraging and detrimental to growth.  No blame-placing, but what it did was cause me to doubt and second-guess everything I did or said.  But eventually being weak-minded became exhausting.  I realized that I had become a punk.  Children need to be spoon fed guidance 24/7, not adults.  Recalling the words of Janet "Miss Jackson If You're Nasty" Jackson: "When I was 17, I did what people told me.  Did what my father said and let my mother mold me. But that was long ago, I'm in control...." - I realized I had come to resent opinions being imposed on me. And what is more, I resented that Miss Jackson was still a teenager whilst claiming her independence - I was going on 25!  And I accepted full responsibility.  People only do to you what you allow to be done.  Unless you are a wooden boy with a huge schnozzle, you control your own thoughts and actions. I had grown tired of my Gepetto(s).  Let me be clear: My family weren't bullies - I was just a punk. Point blank period. (Sidebar: hate that phrase)

I wish I could define the moment I had this grand epiphany, but there really wasn't one.  There was no aha moment.  I guess I just woke up.  And grew up.  I make my own decisions and whether good, bad, or ugly - I claim every one of them!   My family loves me and they only want the best for me.  But the thing is, no one really knows what is really and truly best for a person except that person.  "You may think you know, but you have no idea."  SO FALL BACK.

I pray over my decisions now.  Yeah, I know you're thinking "Yo, how is that any different?  You're still asking someone else to make the decision for you, right?"  Well, it's not really the same thing.  I'm the kind of person who was raised to look before I leap.  But sometimes (shhh!) -  I don't want to look first.  I just want to leap!  And those are the decisions I usually have to pray about.  The ones where the result is going to be either a soft landing or.... a SPLAT!!!  No in-betweens.  I think I'm facing a decision like that right now in my life.  I'm at a crossroads. ("Bum bum bum bummm...")  I encountered this very situation 10 years ago and was actually good with the (heavily family-influenced) decision that I made.  Today, facing this same situation 10 years later and being a fully grown woman, I'm less inclined to look for or listen to opinions.  In fact, I'm just straight not accepting them.  I know what my needs are and I know how I want them fulfilled.  Point blank period. (there it is again).  I come from a family of "we told you so"ers from waaaaay back.  Someone once said "the greater the risk, the greater the reward."  I'm not sure if that is true or not worries.  If it's false, I'm pretty sure I know some people who will have no problem pointing out the fallacy of that thinking. After the fact.

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