Thursday, August 4, 2011
I'm going to share a secret with you: I am afraid to fall in love. I grew up in the most dysfunctional of households (as most of America, I know) and I've seen nothing but chaos and heartache stemming from this thing we call LOVE. I decided early on that I did not want to follow the pattern of being stuck-like-chuck in a toxic relationship. Vowing never to become a victim or casualty of this thing we call LOVE, I built an impenetrable wall around my heart - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, right? Self-preservation at its finest. Now, I have fallen in love a time or two (or one) before, but that was a looooong time ago. It didn't end badly, but it wasn't pretty either. But I learned from that relationship that the decision to NOT PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR is one of the best decisions you can ever make in life. I walked away from that relationship knowing that I would not become like many of the women in my family - bitter and sad from the bad behavior of the men in their lives. I walked away with my head held high and proud of myself.
But don't get me wrong - I like the idea of love. And I think I even might want to fall in love again. Again. But I want love on my terms. Yeah that's right - I said MY terms. But I don't think love quite works like that, does it? You can't control your heart. And when the head (mind) and heart are at odds, it's often the heart, that treacherous heart, that wins out. And THAT's when everything falls to pieces!!! You start making excuses and putting up with just any kind of treatment (read cheating, abuse, etc.) because even though your head is saying "run, chica, run" - your heart is saying "stay, chica, stay. he loves you. he'll change. he'll stop." But the truth of the matter is - he won't change. He won't stop. And by the time you've made the decision to put up with his mess no longer, you've now just realized that you have become a mere shell of the person you once were and sadly...you aren't going anywhere cause you haven't the strength or the backbone to do so.
**shudders** Nawww! No thanks, son. This thing we call love is not for me. And while I believe wholeheartedly that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".........until I can "be loved in return" the way I want to be loved, on MY terms - I'ma have to pass.