"Revelation Nowwww......" (Do You Think That You Can Front When Revelation Comes?)

I used to be a very indecisive person.  When it came to "Decision-Making 101" - EPIC FAIL!  I sucked. I couldn't make a decision to save my life. For the record, I am talking about big decisions, not inconsequential ones like what to wear or what to have for dinner.  I'm speaking about big, life-altering decisions.  I sucked.

Part of the reason for this was the inability to shut out the "voices".  No, not voices in my head, but the voices of others.  I come from a small, tight knit family who is very close and has a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. no problem vocalizing opinions.  And always ready with the "Chicki Tee, don't do this" and "Chicki Tee, you shouldn't do that!  You need to..."  There was no shortage of unsolicited advice in my household.  Trust.  It came quick, fast, and in a hurry.  It was always rooted in love, no doubt, but it was very discouraging and detrimental to growth.  No blame-placing, but what it did was cause me to doubt and second-guess everything I did or said.  But eventually being weak-minded became exhausting.  I realized that I had become a punk.  Children need to be spoon fed guidance 24/7, not adults.  Recalling the words of Janet "Miss Jackson If You're Nasty" Jackson: "When I was 17, I did what people told me.  Did what my father said and let my mother mold me. But that was long ago, I'm in control...." - I realized I had come to resent opinions being imposed on me. And what is more, I resented that Miss Jackson was still a teenager whilst claiming her independence - I was going on 25!  And I accepted full responsibility.  People only do to you what you allow to be done.  Unless you are a wooden boy with a huge schnozzle, you control your own thoughts and actions. I had grown tired of my Gepetto(s).  Let me be clear: My family weren't bullies - I was just a punk. Point blank period. (Sidebar: hate that phrase)

I wish I could define the moment I had this grand epiphany, but there really wasn't one.  There was no aha moment.  I guess I just woke up.  And grew up.  I make my own decisions and whether good, bad, or ugly - I claim every one of them!   My family loves me and they only want the best for me.  But the thing is, no one really knows what is really and truly best for a person except that person.  "You may think you know, but you have no idea."  SO FALL BACK.


I pray over my decisions now.  Yeah, I know you're thinking "Yo, how is that any different?  You're still asking someone else to make the decision for you, right?"  Well, it's not really the same thing.  I'm the kind of person who was raised to look before I leap.  But sometimes (shhh!) -  I don't want to look first.  I just want to leap!  And those are the decisions I usually have to pray about.  The ones where the result is going to be either a soft landing or.... a SPLAT!!!  No in-betweens.  I think I'm facing a decision like that right now in my life.  I'm at a crossroads. ("Bum bum bum bummm...")  I encountered this very situation 10 years ago and was actually good with the (heavily family-influenced) decision that I made.  Today, facing this same situation 10 years later and being a fully grown woman, I'm less inclined to look for or listen to opinions.  In fact, I'm just straight not accepting them.  I know what my needs are and I know how I want them fulfilled.  Point blank period. (there it is again).  I come from a family of "we told you so"ers from waaaaay back.  Someone once said "the greater the risk, the greater the reward."  I'm not sure if that is true or not but.....no worries.  If it's false, I'm pretty sure I know some people who will have no problem pointing out the fallacy of that thinking. After the fact.

I've mentioned before that I'm not really a big shopper.  And that's not bank account-dependant either - I just don't really like to shop.  More specifically, I can't stand malls.  I find no joy in aimlessly wandering the mall, traipsing from store to store, bags in tow, all the while dodging wild, horny teenagers.  That was fun for me maybe when I was a wild horny teenager, but not so much today.  Not a mall person at all.  And yet that is the very place where I will find myself on this very night (or should I say tomorrow) when the mall doors open at midnight for BLACK FRIDAY 2011.  Or as I like to call it: The.Annual.Running.Of.The.Bulls.

Yo, for real, Black Friday is like the Olympics of Shopping.  People have been training saving all year long just to shop on this one day.  What in the world?  True story: I was dragged, kicking and screaming, out of my bed on my very first Black Friday some years ago by a couple of friends.  Outside of Black Friday media coverage, I had no idea what to expect.  In the cold at 3 am, the only thing I could focus on was how cold and tired I was.  And evidently I'd missed the inaudible "on your mark...get set...get ready" because ALL OF THE SUDDEN - chaos broke out!  People were running, and pushing, and shoving, and screaming, and shoving, and pushing, and running....  It was sheer madness!  And I was hooked!  The hilarity of it all was unreal, yet oddly addictive.  Three stores and several purchases later, I was back at home by 9 am. And as I surveyed my booty loot, I understood why people got so caught up with Black Friday.  It's not about the shopping - it's about the experience.  There's a reason why Mrs. Shawn Carter named her concert "The Beyonce EXPERIENCE".  Because it's not just a concert - it's like nothing you've ever seen before!  A stellar performance by the ultimate performer (at least such is the claim).  Black Friday is not just about the so-called 'deals' on sometimes sketchy and often "re-manufactured" merchandise - it's also as much about the crowds, the camraderie, the competition, the pushing, the screaming, the shoving, the pushing, the pushing....All the elements that should rightfully take away from this event somehow actually work really well together.  Go figure?!?!?

Although I have only 1 item to purchase on my list (Nikon camera), I will be doing the requisite 'holy trinity' of Black Friday stores: Walmart, Target and Best Buy.  Just for kicks and giggles.  I'm definitely not, however, looking forward to the "midnight madness at the mall" part but I did promise a friend so,....it is what it is.  Anyway - Running.With.The.Bulls.2011.  Will let you know how it went!



* What's on your Black Friday list???

"And the award for the best male/female ACTOR goes to".....

They say that FACEBOOK is the #1 relationship killer.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  I have seen many a person throw away a relationship with the person that they are w/ to be with a person that they have never met.  Online.  On FACEBOOK.  A person that they have "fallen in love with"...on FACEBOOK.  Online.  Wow.  That's serious.  That is sad.   

We are taught from a young age not to "talk to strangers" and to not believe everything we see or more fittingly, read.  And yet Facebook continues to be the #1 relationship destroyer.  Really?  Anyone can type up a profile about who they claim they are, how "real" they are, what they do for a living, how "large" they are living, etc etc.  Someone once said "Welcome to Facebook - where you can be anyone you want!"  You are 500 pds. w/ 3 teeth in your mouth and you want to look like Halle Berry? CUT AND PASTE.  CLICK, UPLOAD...DONE!  You have $3 in your bank account but you want to be an online baller?  Type...type...DONE!  You have only 1 friend in real life, yet 1,000 on Facebook.  Madame (Social) Butterfly!  And my personal favorite:  The ones who are constantly updating their profiles to show all in FANTASY-land FACEBOOK-land just how witty and intelligent they are by spouting clever colloquiums & other pearls of sage-like wisdom but come off sounding like the Damon Wayans "educated-convict" character from "In Living Color".  And the endless barrage of wannabe MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKERS on Facebook is mildly nauseating.  As are the "I-keep-it-REAL"'ers.  In Fantasy-land Facebook-land, that could almost be classified as an oxymoron.

The truth of the matter is this:  There IS no truth on Facebook.  The name should be changed to FAKEbook.  Anyone with half a brain knows that Facebook, as well as many social networking sites, are all about the FANTASY.  And yet, Facebook continues to be the #1 relationship destroyer.  To the person that will inevitably argue that "if the relationship was solid it the first place".....yada yada yawn.  Ask any divorce lawyer worth his salt and he will tell you that the only way to protect your relationship from dying a painful Facebook-induced death is to step.away.from.the.Facebook.  Apparently there are no relationships solid enough to withstand the lure of this social phenomenon that is Facebook.

And back to our regularly scheduled soapbox rant: So people are exiting relationships with people that they know & (used to) love to be in relationships with people that they think they know.  No judgement from this corner, but a word of caution: There is always somone who is a better writer and a better actor.  Let's hope that new relationship can withstand Facebook as well.

Don't get it twisted - I have a Facebook page.  I'm not knocking Facebook it itself, I'm knocking how people use it.  Just be careful.  Be smart.  Be safe.  "I'm just sayin...."

These Boots Are Made For (moon) Walking

Note: These photos do not do the boots justice - they are fab.


Ok, so I'm not so much of a shopper, although you can find me in a Walmart or Tarjay on any given day.  My job is very stressful and the hours are long, so once I get off, I'm usually headed straight home and ready to hit the sack.  Well, one day last week, I stopped into Kohl's on my way home from work.  Disclaimer: I typically do not like Kohl's.  Better stated, I HATE Kohl's and I NEVER shop there.  But I'd been looking online for boots (because Fall is here and boot season is back - "It's the most wonderful time of the year"...) and happened across a pair of Vera Wang boots that I fell in love with.  Regularly priced at $110, they were on sale for $59.99.  So on my way home from work the next night, I dragged myself into the store, found my size (SHOCKER!) and even on my tired, end-of-the-day-feet, they fit like Cinderella's glass slipper!  I was so happy with my purchase I think I danced all the way to the cash register.  Seriously.  I Michael Jackson-moonwalked to the line, though really, that had nothing to do with the boots.  I'm just weird like that.



Note: These photos do not do the boots justice - they are fab.


 
And get this: 3 days later, my best friend was in town from Charlotte for one of our good friend's wedding.  En route to Macy's to find something to wear to the next day's festivities, we stopped at Ross's (or Ross Dress For Less - whatever it's called.) to take a quick look at shoes when BAMMM!!!! (Emeril-style)  I spied a pair of brown suede lace-up ankle boots by - wait for it.... DOLCE VITA!!!!  (And NOT Dolce Vita for Target. Just straight up Dolce Vita) And after almost peeing on myself when reading the $29.99 price tag, my friend and I ransacked that store looking for my size.  I ending up not finding the size I usually wear, but a half size smaller.  Yet once again - they fit like Cinderella's slipper: PERFECT!!!  So happy to find not only a pair of DOLCE VITA boots but in a smaller size - proof that my new diet & exercise regimen are working....woohoo!  I am so in love and proud of my purchases that I feel I must recant the first line of this blog:

"Hi, my name is Chicki Tee and I AM  a SHOPPER!"

Hey, if my job is going to work me like a Hebrew slave, I should, at the very least, see the fruits of my labor.

"Be True To Yourself" TAG

Okay, so I've never felt the need to do a tag before as I always found them to be slightly juvenile - they always reminded me of those SLAM BOOKS from back in the day (remember the notebooks that were passed around in school where you'd answer different questions w/ your name next to it?)  Well, I've been home sick for the past 2 days and as cabin fever was setting in, I came across this particular tag and thought "why not?"  And while I felt mad juvenile filling out my answers, I have to admit it was kinda fun.  Why not huh.  So here goes:

How big is your bed? Queen (though I call it a "california queen" as it is huge!)

What are you listening to right now? Amy Winehouse "Frank", mixed jazz cd, Obd Voice ( a BRILLIANT singer/songwriter that can be found on reverbnation.com)

What was the last thing you ate? Jerk tilapia, spinach salad, pineapple, fried festival (made this for dinner last night)

Last person you hugged? My sister

How is the weather right now? hot

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? friend in Atlanta

What is the first thing you notice in the opposite sex? Eyes/Height

Favourite type of food? Caribbean

Do you want children? No - that ship has sailed

Do you drink? Very very occasionally as alcohol puts me to sleep

Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night? NEVER

Hair colour? Black

Eye colour? Brown

Do you wear contacts/glasses? Should be wearing my glasses daily but wear them only occasionally

Favorite holiday? NA

Favorite season? HANDS DOWN - FALL!!! The beautiful foliage, the crisp air, the clothes, esp. BOOTS....love everything about fall!

Have you ever cried over a girl/boy? Yep.  Once. (I cried over a MAN who TURNED OUT TO BE A BOY!)  Don't judge me - it shan't happen again.

Last movie you watched? Some Lifetime movie. Hey I'm home sick - don't judge me.  :)

What books are you reading? The Bible, The Millionaire Zone

Piercings? Ears

Favorite movie? HANDS DOWN - Jaws. (Runners up: Jaws II, Purple Rain, Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy & Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham - Indian movie) 

Favorite college football team? Don't follow the sport but favorite pro team is the Eagles - solely due to Vick!

What were you doing before filling this out? Home sick in bed. Literally.

Any pets? I've NEVER in my life had a pet (unless you count the Beta fish that I had @ work.  I accidentally killed him during a routine water change - the water was too warm and he 'overheated'. Seriously. Sorry lil' buddy.  :(

Dogs or cats? Fish

Favorite flower? Tulips (any  color) and White or Yellow Roses

Have you ever loved someone? Yes

Who would you like to see right now? A doctor

Have you ever fired a gun? Nope

Do you like to travel by plane? Ehhh...long story.

Right-handed or Left-handed? Right. 

If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Trinidad, Morocco, Portugal (stateside: D.C., New York, Florida)

Are you missing someone? A.B.S.O.L.U.T.E.L.Y.

Do you have a tattoo? Nope

Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Uh,....NO!  I watch them on Monday nights like every other normal ADULT - can you say "Family Guy"? Hello?

Are you hiding something from someone? Hmmm....

What do you do before you go to bed? Pray

*******  The end.  Question: How do you feel about tag's? Innocent fun or colossal time wasters?

Nature Boy (this thing we call LOVE)

I'm going to share a secret with you: I am afraid to fall in love.  I grew up in the most dysfunctional of households (as most of America, I know) and I've seen nothing but chaos and heartache stemming from this thing we call LOVE.  I decided early on that I did not want to follow the pattern of being stuck-like-chuck in a toxic relationship.  Vowing never to become a victim or casualty of this thing we call LOVE, I built an impenetrable wall around my heart - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, right?  Self-preservation at its finest.  Now, I have fallen in love a time or two (or one) before, but that was a looooong time ago.  It didn't end badly, but it wasn't pretty either.  But I learned from that relationship that the decision to NOT PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR is one of the best decisions you can ever make in life.  I walked away from that relationship knowing that I would not become like many of the women in my family - bitter and sad from the bad behavior of the men in their lives.  I walked away with my head held high and proud of myself.

But don't get me wrong - I like the idea of love.  And I think I even might want to fall in love again. Again.  But I want love on my terms.  Yeah that's right - I said MY terms.  But I don't think love quite works like that, does it?  You can't control your heart.  And when the head (mind) and heart are at odds, it's often the heart, that treacherous heart, that wins out.  And THAT's when everything falls to pieces!!!  You start making excuses and putting up with just any kind of treatment (read cheating, abuse, etc.) because even though your head is saying "run, chica, run" - your heart is saying "stay, chica, stay. he loves you. he'll change. he'll stop."  But the truth of the matter is - he won't change.  He won't stop.  And by the time you've made the decision to put up with his mess no longer, you've now just realized that you have become a mere shell of the person you once were and sadly...you aren't going anywhere cause you haven't the strength or the backbone to do so.

**shudders**  Nawww!  No thanks, son.  This thing we call love is not for me.  And while I believe wholeheartedly that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".........until I can "be loved in return" the way I want to be loved, on MY terms - I'ma have to pass.

Well, She DID say NO, NO, NO.....

They called her Ms. Winehouse. They'll call her no more.  Amy Winehouse - dead at 27.  Of course, we don't really know the cause of death @ this point, as her body was just found today, but really?  Do we even have to ask? I mean - really?  

I first heard of Amy Winehouse some years ago, back when her "Frank" album was out in England, and she hadn't really hit it here in the States yet.  I'd read about this "Jewish girl with the big soulful voice" that was going to be the next big thing and dismissed her as "another white girl trying to sound black."  When I'd finally heard her "Frank" cd online - I.WAS.BLOWN.AWAY.!!!!   As in, all caps, in bold, italicized, and underlined!  Omg, this skinny little white chick with the big hair and the even bigger voice sounded so authentically soulful...authentically black. (I mean, have you even heard "Love Is A Losing Game" live???)  No "trying to" here.  I was an instant fan!  I repped Ms. Winehouse so hard to any and everyone I came in contact with you would've thought  she had me on her payroll!  E.v.e.r.y. song Ms. Winehouse had was ridiculous: "You Know I'm No Good" - Ridiculous.  "Love Is A Losing Game" - Ridiculous. "Stronger Than Me" - Ridiculous. "Me And Mr. Jones" - Ridiculous.  "In My Bed" - Bananas and the beat was sick!!!!

And finally...there is the now-infamous "REHAB", for which will be forever known as Ms. Winehouse's swan song.  Such a hugely talented artist - gone.  Ms. Winehouse - you came, you sang, you conquered.

But you should have gone to rehab.  What a waste.