Friday, November 23, 2012

Respect the Rules, People. RESPECT them!

That's it! I'm writing a how-to manual on Black Friday.  There are some people out there who have absolutely no clue how to participate and partake in the "opening ceremonies" of Black Friday - the painful, dreaded tradition of "Standing Online" (also known by it's southern cousin, "standing INline").  Allow me to educate any of you out there who are walking around all willy-nilly and clueless, thinking you can just walk up on any given 2-mile long line outside any given store on Black Friday and just.start.speaking to folk.  Gangnam Style!  This is not so much my personal Black Friday manifesto, but there are unwritten rules that should must not only be respected, but followed.  To the letter.  Lesgo:

1.) Keep your personal conversations at a lower decibel.  I know.  Right now you are thinking "who does this heifer think she is? A person's conversation is their business."  Exactly my point.  Your business, and no one else wants to hear it. People have waited all year long for Black Friday, and have gotten out of bed early, or in some cases (as was mine) never went to sleep at all.....just to stand outside a store's parking the the cold...mentally strategizing their game plan for when they actually get inside said store.  All of this requires concentration.  Please don't muck it up for them with your endless barrage of insipid anecdotes - they do not amuse.  Keep your Black Friday energy raised, but your voice low.

 2.) Please keep your conversations to yourself.   I know.  Sounds like the same as rule #1, right?  Not quite.  This rule is not about talking low - it's about talking to me.  Or should I say "please stop talking to me."  Listen, we are all here to SHOP, not make friends.  So besides the requisite exchange of pleasantries,  Please limit your conversation(s) to the person you came with.

And the last and perhaps most delicate rule of all.......

3.) WHO FARTED?????????  This one is self-expanatory. Control your bodily malfunctions.  Plain and simple.

Respect the rules, people.  Respect the rules.


  1. LMAO!!! Rule number 3, girrrrrllllllll...PREACH!! As to Rules 1&2 equally TRUE!! Man, I really hate that line cutting though, like REALLY PEOPLE you dont see the thousands of people waiting out here since for hours and some days and right as the store is about to open here you come just strolling up...thats how people get shot on Black Friday. Real talk.

  2. @ Seiko: Girl, now I'm going to have to EDIT this post - how could I forget the most important rule: THO SHALL NOT CUT LINE!?!? Lol. You are right, that is indeed how people get shot, though i've never actually seen this in action before. The mythological BLACK FRIDAY LINE JUMPER??? I assumed he was right up there with Bigfoot & unicorns. I guess all the lines I've stood on were just to GANGSTER for people to try that crap....(i'm lying. straight suburbs.)