That's it! I'm writing a how-to manual on Black Friday. There are some people out there who have absolutely no clue how to participate and partake in the "opening ceremonies" of Black Friday - the painful, dreaded tradition of "Standing Online" (also known by it's southern cousin, "standing INline"). Allow me to educate any of you out there who are walking around all willy-nilly and clueless, thinking you can just walk up on any given 2-mile long line outside any given store on Black Friday and just.start.speaking to folk. Gangnam Style! This is not so much my personal Black Friday manifesto, but there are unwritten rules that
1.) Keep your personal conversations at a lower decibel. I know. Right now you are thinking "who does this heifer think she is? A person's conversation is their business." Exactly my point. Your business, and no one else wants to hear it. People have waited all year long for Black Friday, and have gotten out of bed early, or in some cases (as was mine) never went to sleep at all.....just to stand outside a store's parking lot...in the dark...in the cold...mentally strategizing their game plan for when they actually get inside said store. All of this requires concentration. Please don't muck it up for them with your endless barrage of insipid anecdotes - they do not amuse. Keep your Black Friday energy raised, but your voice low.
2.) Please keep your conversations to yourself. I know. Sounds like the same as rule #1, right? Not quite. This rule is not about talking low - it's about talking to me. Or should I say "please stop talking to me." Listen, we are all here to SHOP, not make friends. So besides the requisite exchange of pleasantries, do.not.attempt.to.chat.me.up. Please limit your conversation(s) to the person you came with.
And the last and perhaps most delicate rule of all.......
3.) WHO FARTED????????? This one is self-expanatory. Control your bodily
Respect the rules, people. Respect the rules.