Sunday, November 11, 2012

"It Ain't Fiction, Just a Natural Fact. And thank you, Paula Abdul."

Sometimes we complicate things for ourselves.  We create chaos in our own lives, and then wonder where it came from.  Especially when it comes to our personal relationships.  Sure, we all claim to want to live drama-free existences, but then we seek relationships with others that are anything but.  Opposites attract.  Absolutely.  But really, how long does that attraction last?  How long do opposites stay together

When looking for someone of the opposite sex, why don't we look for someone who will balance us out?  She's the party girl who always wants to go out and have a good time.  He's the bookworm in the corner who somehow mistakenly ended up at the party.  Sure, that might be an instant attraction, but how long will that connection last?  How long before she tires of him never accompanying her to the next soiree?  How long before he realizes that he just wants a nice girl that will settle down with him and enjoy the alone-time togetherness?   That is not balance.  That is opposites attracting.  Balance is the bookworm helping the party girl to realize and appreciate the intimacy that only a party of two can bring, or the bookworm  himself realizing that sometimes it's ok to push beyond your comfort zone and just enjoy strangers with candy at a social gathering.  Because with balance comes growth, and both parties are better persons because of it.

Having had a whole two relationships in my adult life (no that was not a typo, and yes I did say two), I'm definitely not offering up any sage-like counsel, so that's not what this post is about.  When it comes to matters of the heart, I'm only qualified to speak on my own.  And sometimes I'm not really qualified then, either. But I can say, unequivocally, without a doubt, I am a person who does not care for a lot of chaos.  I like peace.  "As far as it depends on me", I try to pursue peaceful relationships in my personal life.  When drama or issues do come up, however, I do not run and I do not avoid them.  I tackle the issue head on ("HEAD ON FOR HEADACHES....HEAD ON FOR HEADACHES.....") and try to move on.  Move on as in continue the relationship with that person, wheels in motion.  But.....sometimes you can't move on with that person.  Sometimes you just have to move on from that person.  Specifically when said person asks you to move on from them. 

See, we as women like to talk about how men are such complicated creatures who are always playing mind games.  Sometimes that may be true, but oftentimes it isn't.  Men are just like women when it comes to relationships.   As women, we typically don't have any problem vocalizing our concerns or expressing our needs in a relationship.  But just because we speak louder doesn't mean that our partner doesn't have a voice or use it when deeming it necessary.  We just don't listen.  Oh, we hear what's being said, for a certainty, but we choose not to listen.  We hear what we want to hear.  And therein lies the problem, ladies and gentlemen. 

We've all heard the witty colloquialism: "When a person shows you what/who they are, believe them", right?   But how many of us actually heed this a gospel?  Your man says "I don't believe in marriage."  YOU HEAR: "I've never met anyone I've wanted to marry...until I met you, boo."  Your man says, emphatically, "I don't ever see myself getting married and I'll remain a bachelor til the day I die!"  YOU HEAR: "Thus far, I've never met a woman I've wanted to spend forever and ever and ever with.  Until, of course, I met you, boo." Your man says "All men cheat, yo!"  YOU HEAR: "While it does seem as though an inordinate amount of my brethren are grimy scumbags, you should be aware that I am not of that sort. Not even a little bit."  Classic case of a woman editing a man's truest thoughts to fit her needs.  What she should have heard was this: "Listen,.....I won't be committing to you anytime soon because you are one of many women that I am seeing.  I am not leading you on so don't even think about making me look like the bad guy cause I'm telling you this outright."  And he would be correct.  He is not ready.  He may never be ready.  And perhaps the hardest and most painful to admit:  You are are not The One. You are not His One.  You are the weakest link, goodbye!"

I get it.  No one likes failure.  But failure is not letting go of something or someone that doesn't want to be there.  The real failure is attempting to hold on to something or someone that asks to be let go of.   They say "nothing beats a failure but a try."  Some (or Yoda) say "there is no try - only do."  Whatever the case may be....whether you tried....or you did....there is no shame in admitting accepting defeat.  You heard what that man said, and he meant what he said.  Now put on your big girl panties, take your bow, and exit stage left.  The show must go on.  And it will.  Perhaps just not on this stage.

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