Nature Boy (this thing we call LOVE)

I'm going to share a secret with you: I am afraid to fall in love.  I grew up in the most dysfunctional of households (as most of America, I know) and I've seen nothing but chaos and heartache stemming from this thing we call LOVE.  I decided early on that I did not want to follow the pattern of being stuck-like-chuck in a toxic relationship.  Vowing never to become a victim or casualty of this thing we call LOVE, I built an impenetrable wall around my heart - who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, right?  Self-preservation at its finest.  Now, I have fallen in love a time or two (or one) before, but that was a looooong time ago.  It didn't end badly, but it wasn't pretty either.  But I learned from that relationship that the decision to NOT PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR is one of the best decisions you can ever make in life.  I walked away from that relationship knowing that I would not become like many of the women in my family - bitter and sad from the bad behavior of the men in their lives.  I walked away with my head held high and proud of myself.

But don't get me wrong - I like the idea of love.  And I think I even might want to fall in love again. Again.  But I want love on my terms.  Yeah that's right - I said MY terms.  But I don't think love quite works like that, does it?  You can't control your heart.  And when the head (mind) and heart are at odds, it's often the heart, that treacherous heart, that wins out.  And THAT's when everything falls to pieces!!!  You start making excuses and putting up with just any kind of treatment (read cheating, abuse, etc.) because even though your head is saying "run, chica, run" - your heart is saying "stay, chica, stay. he loves you. he'll change. he'll stop."  But the truth of the matter is - he won't change.  He won't stop.  And by the time you've made the decision to put up with his mess no longer, you've now just realized that you have become a mere shell of the person you once were and sadly...you aren't going anywhere cause you haven't the strength or the backbone to do so.

**shudders**  Nawww!  No thanks, son.  This thing we call love is not for me.  And while I believe wholeheartedly that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return".........until I can "be loved in return" the way I want to be loved, on MY terms - I'ma have to pass.

Well, She DID say NO, NO, NO.....

They called her Ms. Winehouse. They'll call her no more.  Amy Winehouse - dead at 27.  Of course, we don't really know the cause of death @ this point, as her body was just found today, but really?  Do we even have to ask? I mean - really?  

I first heard of Amy Winehouse some years ago, back when her "Frank" album was out in England, and she hadn't really hit it here in the States yet.  I'd read about this "Jewish girl with the big soulful voice" that was going to be the next big thing and dismissed her as "another white girl trying to sound black."  When I'd finally heard her "Frank" cd online - I.WAS.BLOWN.AWAY.!!!!   As in, all caps, in bold, italicized, and underlined!  Omg, this skinny little white chick with the big hair and the even bigger voice sounded so authentically soulful...authentically black. (I mean, have you even heard "Love Is A Losing Game" live???)  No "trying to" here.  I was an instant fan!  I repped Ms. Winehouse so hard to any and everyone I came in contact with you would've thought  she had me on her payroll!  E.v.e.r.y. song Ms. Winehouse had was ridiculous: "You Know I'm No Good" - Ridiculous.  "Love Is A Losing Game" - Ridiculous. "Stronger Than Me" - Ridiculous. "Me And Mr. Jones" - Ridiculous.  "In My Bed" - Bananas and the beat was sick!!!!

And finally...there is the now-infamous "REHAB", for which will be forever known as Ms. Winehouse's swan song.  Such a hugely talented artist - gone.  Ms. Winehouse - you came, you sang, you conquered.

But you should have gone to rehab.  What a waste.

"You Stay Classy San Diego."

I had a conversation with a friend today.  He's a businessman who's very much "on his grind", always about the dollar.  I respect that, that's who he is.  Anway, he was talking about the big things that he is doing in his business, and I was talking about the steps that I am taking towards establishing mine.  This conversation took place over the phone so while I couldn't see his face, I could hear in his voice the expressions of disbelief and indifference he was obviously making.  He made it very clear that he doesn't believe that I've any business acumen whatsoever and I probably shouldn't "quit my day job." Said that my "business" was not only going to FAIL but it would never get off the ground.  He said I was basically wasting my time because I've never been a business owner, I'm "not a leader", I'm a person "ruled by fears", and.....yada yada yawn.  When someone tells you that they think you're whack, the natural inclination is to respond in kind. ("You're MAMA's  whack!  How 'bout that???" - you know how we do.)  But the thing is, this guy is not whack. He's a businessman.  He's a leader.  And he's on the fast track to success.  But He's.Also.Wrong.  As in dead wrong.

Here's the thing: when you know where your passion lies and know the things that you're capable of doing, you don't need to advertise that jank to the world.  You just need to do them.  Town crier not necessary.

And you don't need to prove that you're EXTRAORDINARY to ANYONE - friend or foe.  You just need to prove it to yourself.

"I FAILED my way towards SUCCESS" - Thomas Edison

Sometimes we don't shoot for the stars.  Sometimes we don't aim for them because we feel that the stars are too high up and therefore out of reach, and sometimes it's because subconsciously, we don't feel like we have the right of owning something so beautiful and rare.  And sometimes plain ol' fear keeps us from putting ourselves anywhere in the vicinity of them.  And just like that....we settle into mediocrity and become (yikes!)...satisfied with it.


We fear, thus we fail, right? w.r.o.n.g.  Failure is not about having fears - the real failure is not trying to succeed because of fearing failure.  The real failure is not embracing your fear and using it as fuel. Confused yet?   It's simple really.  I'm trying to start a business.  It's normal to have anxiety over any new venture attempted.  A few of the usual suspects:  What if my idea doesn't work?  What if my skills aren't strong enough?  What if I don't make any money?  What if I lose money(that I don't really have) trying to make money?  What if I FAIL???  That, my friends, is what we call fear.  To fear is normal. But what we really should be asking ourselves is: "If my idea does not work, how can I fine tune it so it will?  How can I further develop my skills so that they are stronger?  I probably will not make alot of money initially, so do I have other resources available so I can further grow this business? And if this venture does fail, how do I ensure that I will keep trying until it succeeds?"  That is using your fear as fuel towards success. Having a plan. And a backup plan.  A plan A, plan B, or as many plans needed (even if it goes all the way to Z) until the desired result is achieved. And working that/those plans until it/they work.


I'm gonna be honest with you, people.  I want a star.  I really do.  Maybe not all of the stars, but at least as many as my hand can grab.  As many as my hand can carry, even if that's only one.  Let me say this also: I am short.  Without my usual 5-inch superhero platform heels (but I always leave the cape at home), I stand 5 foot 1 in stocking feet.  Even with a full stretch, I cannot reach the sky on my own strength.  But I do know how to use the resources available to me - I know how to find and use a ladder.  I'll say it again:  I.want.my.star.  I deserve my star.  So if I have to climb to the highest rung of that ladder, despite being afraid of heights, to reach it - that's just what I'll have to do.  And should I lose my balance and fall off....oh well.  I'll fall.  I"ll fall down and I might fall hard. It might be painful and I might even cry.  But guess what?  My star will still be up there...in the sky... with my name on it. Waiting for me.  So I'll get up, wipe my tears and find a sturdier ladder to hold me. I'm.getting.my.star.

SHOW ME THE MONEY

"You got to know when to hold 'em....know when to fold 'em....know when to walk away...and know when to run"....

Cause I always.count.my.money. I had such a good day yesterday.  I should have known that mess wouldn't have lasted.  Not to sound negative, but you always have to consider the source.  Yesterday I finally received the professional recognition and validation that I'd been waiting for for about 6 months now - a promotion of sorts.  Go me, right???  W.R.O.N.G.  After spending last night pouring over plans of where "all this extra money" will be going (savings, moving, business plans, and dare I say a fabulous pair of "knock-off" Louboutins?) - I go in to work today and they make me an offer....that I can refuse.  An absolutely downright INSULTING offer!  I mean, I am literally insulted!  I have been working like a slave and jumping through all kinds of hoops for this place, hoping to show that I am more than capable and qualified to earn a spot at the cubicle of mediocrity....only for them to offer me pretty much nothing.   And I am pretty much disturbed.  Like Kenny Rogers sang of the "The Gambler" - "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run."

Sadly, if we cannot come to a mutual fiscal agreement,  I may have to walk run.

S.M.U.G.

HTC Droid phone - $500

Bottle of OPI "Metro Chic" nail polish - $8

Getting a phone call from an old love while halfheartedly listening to him regretfully enumerate his past mistakes and confess he still has feelings for you while doing your nails and thinking "you.should.have.said.that.jank.last.year...too.late.boo..." - PRICELESS!!!!

Bonus points: Realizing that your heart no longer does backflips at the sound of his voice - PROGRESS.

There once was a girl named PUNK....

It's Monday.  It's a new week.  Let's get it started.  It's not too late.  It's never too late to accomplish a goal. ("Maybe finish that novel you been working on, eh Brian? You know, the one one, uh, you've beeen working on for 3 years?" - Stewie Griffin)  All it takes is one.step.at.a.time. One step.  "Every journey begins with one step"....yada yada yawn.  Enough with the quotes.  Enough with the 'mantras'. Stop being a punk and get in the game already.